Farrage the Frog, uneven teeth and a rep for City living: he was a teenage stockbroker; straight outta Dulwich College (now aged 49). Of the established political parties, ‘you can’t get a cigarette paper between them’, says the Eurosceptic leader of UKIP and unofficial winner of Thursday’s elections in England and Wales. He would know, having been a chain smoker; hence, perhaps, the oyster of catarrh audible in his voice (distinctively non-career-politician). Nigel F, Jolly Jack Tar, bane of Brussels, self-proclaimed senior servant of Britain’s national interest. Enjoying the unaccustomed attention attached to last week’s electoral success. In the television studio, sitting maybe a little too comfortably. The wonderboy who’s sure the new story’s only just begun, unaware that it could change again at any moment.

Before ‘F’ there’s ‘E’.

Nigel Evans (55), survived being the boy from the corner shop (ripping us all off, they are) on a Swansea estate; survived being one of a handful of Tories in South Wales; survived losing by-elections in Greenwich and Ribble Valley before securing the Lancashire seat for the Conservatives in the 1992 general election; even survived coming out as a gay MP in 2010. But it’s too early to say ‘Gloria Gaynor’. Now released on bail, reeling from accusations of rape and sexual assault. This morning’s pasty face accentuated by black glasses with fashionably thick frames. Face muscles tight; you can bet he’s feeling the pressure in his teeth. Reading from a prepared statement, Welsh lilt sounding reedy and thin, Nigel E declares his innocence. Standing up against the wall of his constituency home, fighting for his political career. Unkempt – that’s the garden wall and the state of Evans the Shop.

Two Nigels: diddly, diddly, dee.