A Modest Proposal
For Reducing the Burden Borne by the State
In the Provision of Social Housing
By Johnny Quick
It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this Town to see the streets crowded with a great Mob of people benefiting from state subsidised housing as a consequence of their low income. How absurd that their low level of achievement should be so rewarded!
Since it is not agreed by all Parties that this Entitlement shall be cut back, for the sake of strong and stable government I hereby offer a modest proposal to reduce the burden borne by the state, as follows.
Each week a different social housing project is to be put to the torch. When checks have been carried out to ensure that all residents are indeed low-wage earners, the building(s) shall be set on fire at a time when the inhabitants are asleep in their beds.
While there are bound to be a few Escapees, it is reasonable to assume that the ensuing Conflagration will cause most residents to Pass On; and their passing will be the cause of Double Savings to the Public Purse – first, benefit payments will be reduced in line with the reduced number of Tenants whose rent is subsidised; secondly, the medium term will see a Reduction in state-subsidised Funerals, since the buildings selected for incineration will also serve as Pop-Up Crematoria.
A different building will be selected for incineration as part of the national lottery each week. All Social Housing Projects in the UK will be allocated an ID number, and the ID of the chosen residence will correspond to the bonus ball number as revealed every Saturday evening during the national lottery Broadcast.
Selection by lottery will guarantee Diversity; incorporating the selection process within a nationwide Broadcast will position it as part of the Shared National Experience.